Ranting

Forget about Cory. Forget about current events. Forget about my colleagues and officemates and college classmates. I want to focus on myself NOW. Di bale nang masabihang self-centered.

Yes, I'm finally back in this little corner of "me". And as if to welcome myself back with a full band, let me write "I HATE THEEEEM!" Yes i wanna scream! I want to kick people's asses if I could. I want to be bad for once in my life. And this is the reason I'm instantly blogging once again.

Aba, kokontakin ka lang pag may problema?! Ganito ang mga kamag-anak namin. If everything goes well to them, ni ho ni ha wala kang maririnig. Tapos kahapon lang tatawag para sabihing magpadala ng pera si Tatay sa probinsiya dahil na stroke ang asawa ng kapatid niya. My uncle really has a gift - to involve other people in his misery. Siya itong hiningan ng tulong ipapasa sa amin ang burden.

Ok. Christianity has taught me to be generous in order to be blessed even more. But I just couldn't help but rant (or more than rant actually) because when Nanay and Papa were in the hospital, they didn't even extend any form of help upon us. They didn't even visit them in the hospital. We have been on our own since me and my siblings were kids. My parents never asked for our relatives help as much as possible - since we received little or no help at all from them anyway.

Tapos ngayon....Grrrrr!

I'll get over this. In the meantime, I need breathing space. Thank heavens there's blog.

Farewell to a Friend

Today, I have to live to the reality that one of my closest friends in BayanTrade would be leaving soon. I expect resignations to happen from time to time. Pero iba pala talaga when that person personally tells you that he or she is leaving.

Yes, I have attachments to personal things and places and people that are close to my heart. Makikipag-away ako para sa kapatid o kaibigan, kahit hindi naman ako ang inaaway. I am willing to do something to that effect, crazy things I must say. But I am willing to do that perhaps because I care for loved ones and friends and I am protective of them.

That's why farewells are hard for me. I dread the day when I would no longer see that person as frequent as I could, as in before. That I would have to do things and live each day differently, because that person with whom I used to do these things and that make up part of my every day would no longer be around. It's as if an important element of my constellation would be absorbed by another galaxy. And the only communication to bridge the gap would be mediated, something like Plurk, or YM, or Facebook. I'm sad. I want to cry.

Is it a crime to ask myself: Ilan kaya sa kanila ang susunod in the coming months? I should hold my tears more!

My only consolation is: That's the way it is. And if my time comes when I too would be saying "goodbye", someone's gonna feel the same way for me.

Goodbye Taga-bukid. See you in Davao.

And please, keep us updated through your blog.

Ang Tunay Na Lalaki

There's a funny and yes, interesting blog that's been getting some following lately among Filipino youth and yuppies. It's called "Hay Men! Ang Tunay Na Lalaki". What's appealing or, to be more accurate, entertaining about the blog is that, like a freedom wall, it serves like a running commentary on people, icons, places, objects, activities etc that in a way have been familiar to ordinary Filipino folks, that have been part of popular culture, classifying them as "tunay na lalaki" (real manly), "di tunay na lalaki" (not manly), or "under consideration". Is robocop "tunay na lalaki"? How about Voltron? Or UP's oblation? Or George Estregan perhaps? It keeps the audience laughing by telling the latter how it classifies these. In a way, it also guides the audience as to the criteria it used for classification with its well composed "Ang Manifesto ng Tunay Na Lalaki", posted prominently on the lower right of the page.

Indeed, this blog has become a hit that its slowly growing followers have reached even my own workplace. Some of my colleagues have in fact adapted the expression "tunay na lalaki" in their everyday joke time language.

The site has personally brought out some chuckles in me. But while it is entertaining, it also makes me question its measure of true masculinity. The site explicitly tells audiences whether someone or something is of manly character or not. And with this, I couldn't help but think whether real manhood should be dictated by society, by outside pressure, or whether it should be "decided" from within. I say "decided" because I believe one's gender is a matter of decision. Is it not? Even if you were born a male or a female, isn't it that how you live your being a male or a female spells the difference? You have control as to how to live out your sexuality.

Furthermore, "Ang Tunay Na Lalaki" has time and again reminded me of how difficult it is to be a man. Society has expectations of you. You gotta be this, you gotta be that. And if you don't have a solid foundation of yourself, of who you really are or at least the person you want to be, you will be drowned by the waves of a gamut of pressures that dicate what is a man and how to be a man. Sadly, these pressures eventually find their way to become "norms". And norms are not necessarily moral, legal or ethical. For example, why is it alright for a man to be "not virgin" before marriage? Why is it "ok" for a man to entertain and welcome a woman's amorous advances? When the blog "Ang Tunay Na Lalaki" says real men smoke and drink and don't go to church, why do many seem to give it a nod?

My head and heart ache meditating mulling about these thoughts.

It is hard to be a man nowadays, I know. But to be a REAL man is harder because it is not defined by public opinion. It is not based on public norms. It lives within you and only TIME and TOUGH times can make it come out.

Fortunately, there is real man-ness in everyone.

Of Goals and Introspection

People who have clear well defined goals in life are, for me, like skyscrapers at the heart of the metro: Imposing and superior. Makes me feel little. I see these people as driven, determined folks, who are destined to achieve success in whatever form that they desire - faster than anyone else in the world. And I envy them.

I had logged in to my Multiply and blogspot accounts today and I realized just how insecure I am in terms of goal setting. My college classmate and friend Ariane who's now in New Zealand celebrated her 23rd birthday last March (I was able to greet her just now because I didn't have the luxury of time to visit these accounts due to tight work schedule, you know, deadlines, meetings with the bosses etc).

Ariane loves birthdays because it's the time of the year when she gets to celebrate life more! She created this to-do-list when she was younger, and now, she makes sure she gets to tick one item off the list in her every birthday. It's pretty much like acting like fairy godmother to herself by granting one wish - goal - for herself on her birthday. And on her 23rd birthday, that item was sky diving!

I was not envious of the actual sky diving experience per se because in the first place I am acrophobic and therefore I have no plans of doing it myself even given the opportunity. The fact that she has this set of goals and a beautiful strategy to achieve each of them at a particular time of the year is what makes me envious.

In the same token that I envy Reymund Chris Sarraga's friend. As what Rey wrote in his Wordpress account, that friend of his is now one step closer to becoming a doctor. He has just finished med school and we know what's next after that. The thing is: that man is just simply staying true to the dream (ie. goal) that he wrote in their high school yearbook, that of becoming a doctor. Wow!

These anecdotes sadly put me in introspection: What am I doing in my life today? What happened to the dreams, or goals, that I had set for myself when I was younger? How many of them have I actually been able to realize? Or did I ever had anything to call "goals" to begin with?

Windang. Perplexed. A wandering spirit. That's what I think of myself as of the moment. I toil, I act, I feel, but that's all that I do. I don't have direction. I don't have that driving something that gives focus and meaning to every sacrifice, every decision that I make - goals.

Benjamin Mays, a prominent American minister and educator, said: "It must be borne in mind that the tragedy of life does not lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy of life lies in having no goal to reach."

I know I had goals before. But the tragedy on my end was that I have thwarted from these goals and couldn't find my way back now.

LORD help me.

He's gone

I got home and he's no longer there. I miss his usual greeting which, because it was so sincere, it used to take away my stress (at least a portion thereof). I miss his gentle face, so cute I always wanted to pat and baby him.

Yes, our doggie is gone. He died last Wednesday, February 25th, EDSA day. I was not able to blog about him right away because I was still hoping it was just a dream. But he's really gone. And I miss him.

Although a mongrel, Tiger did not fail to leave a lasting memory with us. So many in fact that I would probably create separate blog entries just to recount them. For now, we will just be contented recalling those memories, those moments, one by one. And that is enough to make us smile despite the mourning.

Tiger was 13 years old (91 in human years) when he passed away. He was poisoned by the shampoo my dad had used to bathe him. It was unusual as he was bathed with stronger shampoos before without causing any harm at all. It was just probably because he was really too old already his immune system got really weak.

A few hours before his body gave up, he unusually kept on walking staggeringly around our garage, as if fighting the disease that had struck him. By around 11 P.M. he collapsed. My sister said he was barking and barking and was trying to rise up. He was fighting for his breath, his life. My whole family (except me who was already asleep by that time) was around him when this was happening. And Tiger probably was fighting for us - to continue to be with us because he knew we love him. But it's really his time to rest. And all my family could do is to pat him and say "Tiger tama na...magpahinga ka na."

13 years...It's amazing Tiger has lived that long, in fact long enough to even outlive his contemporaries: his foes, his friends, even his lovers. I surely miss him and his memories will linger on.

He is not dead. His memories are secured in our hearts. I couldn't help but recall tuloy one line in ABS-CBN's "May Bukas Pa" : A person (a pet in this case) is not dead as long as s/he remains in our hearts.

Self-Talk

Hi Ron,

I know you're pressured and stressed right now. Rey's leaving and you only have a week to learn from him. But you know Rey. Like what he said, he won't spoon feed you. Unfortunately, that's the very thing you need at this time. What do you know about sales anyway? But he won't. He doesn't have the patience to do it. Aminado siya rito. And you don't expect him to do that, do you? What for? You're not even his closest of friends. He doesn't have enough motivation to put some more effort into training you. The turn over is still not done. The data and knowledge he shared so far are not to the level you've expected since the day you were told you'd be his replacement.

So you're lost. And worried. And exhausted. Plus, the mathematics involved. Oh my! It's not your field of interst, you know that. The mere sight of numbers make your eyes bleed. But you got to befriend them (numbers). Learn from them. Analyze them. You have no choice as these are part of the demands of your new responsibility. Sir Jojo and Boss Tony trust you. Your colleagues count on you to ensure they will get salary for the month.

So you're lost, stressed, pressured, harassed, exhausted. But you know what to do to compensate for your weakness right? You have to rise above your situation - to overcome the challenge being a salesman, an effective salesman, poses to you. Let me see your to-do list. Ahh.. at least, you've got some of the most important right:

(1) prioritize tasks (2) manage time and (3) be more organized

So help me God!

Money

The Bible says : "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also" (Matthew 6:21). Now it makes more sense why I was so concentrated with my studies way back in college. I couldn't afford to fail any course or even get a grade of less than 2.0, lest I would lose my scholarship, which is all I got to finish college. That's why I gave it my all. Now it makes more sense why I am trying to hit the gym at least three times a day right now, even that means waking up as early as 4:30 in the morning. I am paying for it after all, I have to make the most out of it. As they say, kailangang sulitin ang ibinabayad. That in itself is enough motivation for me. The pastor at Victory capped it up right: The above verse gives the whole experience meaning. We are where our money goes. He's right. We can either invest in temporal things like clothing or partying; or in eternal things the benefits of which last us all. I hope and pray you and I do the latter. Happy Sunday!

Crisis

I woke up early this morning to prepare for a 9 o'clock client call Rey and I set with his business accounts. He would be introducing me as his 'replacement' as this mighty friend of mine has just resigned and he'll be touring the world in the coming months as a better earning Marketing guy of a US-based broadcast/marketing firm (kainggit!)

Like a typical morning person, I wanted to take my breakfast right away - coffee, rice, and all that. I was craving for milk so I hurriedly proceeded to the kitchen and checked the milk container. To my horror, it was empty! My eyes automatically panned right to the coffee and sugar containers placed next to it, and they were empty too! The sugar container had at least a teaspoon left, but it wouldn't be enough to sweeten even at least 1 oz of plain water. Frustrated and tense at the same time, I hurriedly turned to our magic 'kaldero' to see if there was still rice left for me from last night's supper. It had and I was relieved! Problem is, there was no viand to help me consume at least 5 spoonfulls of bahaw.

Depressed, I wanted to take a bath na lang. It was strangely cold that night (err dawn) so I wanted to heat at least a liter of water. The kettle was already filled with H2o but when I was about to turn on the stove, my mother had suddenly arose from her bed and told me "wala na tayong gas". She informed me our dealer ran out of stock of which kinda resounded the hiss on LPG tank shortage many news programs have been highlighting in the past two weeks. My mother instructed me to instead use the electric water heater which I won from our last Christmas party's raffle (at least napakinabangan din!). She also told me she hasn't gone to the supermarket or the wet market yet to purchase grocery items and pang-ulam because she ran out of cash. We still have to wait for my sister's pay day on Thursday, and mine next week. In the meantime, we had to make both ends meet. Wag lang sanang kumain ng lupa!

Grabe, the global financial meltdown has finally become so palpable in my household. Apektado kami ng krisis.

Homecoming

Kala-log out ko lang sa Friendster account ko. It's official. I'll be delivering an inspirational talk in my alma mater's March recognition day. If I correctly read my former teacher's personal message, I'll be addressing the honor students of first to third year.

Now I'm a bit queasy. Not because I'm afraid to deliver a speech before them, or because Benigno "Ninoy" S. Aquino High School is now Makati's second biggest and most modern campus the place might suddenly make me feel estranged, but because I couldn't wait to meet again my fellow Benignians in person, and break before them some trite statements that they themselves have probably heard several times in many speeches, valedictory or otherwise, their message has sadly become sour - uninspirational.

One of which is that poverty is not a hindrance to success. Is it not?

Time and again, we have seen many gifted children from underprivileged families, though born with extraordinary intellectual and artistic abilities, not growing up to be scientists, academicians, entrepreneurs and world-class professionals. Nature has given them the headstart, but they simply don't grow up to their potentials or to what they were expected to be simply because they were financially "challenged", sometimes even "handicapped", they didn't have the means and the resources to optimize their innate gifts. Many of them do not even finish gradeschool. Surely, they were not impervious to poverty's whips and slashes!

The word "success" is very subjective, ok. And to explain why a person will/will not become successful really entails a thorough examination of a gamut of factors, poverty being just one of them. But should we deny the fact that poverty IS a problem by saying that it's not a hurdle to achieving one's ultimate dreams at least?

It kinda irritates my ears everytime I hear that line "poverty is not a hindrance". It's supposed to exhort the listener, alright. But it fails to encourage as it is a lie. I conjures a familiar image of a traditional politician whose message contains nothing but false hope, empty promises. In it's vain attempt to sound profound, the statement lacked the luster of sincerity.

Poverty is a hindrance - a problem. Why deny it? The more we acknowledge and face the truth, the more we could react to it more intelligently, more creatively, more practically.

It's gonna be my turn to deliver a speech before the students this March. I vow this platitude will not be heard on that day. I just hope my audience's sensibilities are prepared to hear me say an opposite thought.

Exhortations

While doing stationary cycling at a gym the other day, my eyes were caught by a football match on AXN (I was surfing the TV while working out, as the gym provided several TV screens for members' satisfaction).

I didn't know the teams' exact names but my eyes were particularly pegged at the two words succinctly printed all across the yellow team's shirts: "Fly Emirates." Instantly, the catchphrase caught me in awe. I thought it was a sweet shrewd slogan of whatever company sponsoring that team. I learned later that the latter was actually Arsenal Football Club sponsored, unsurprisingly, by a leading airline company in United Arab Emirates.

Still, the catchphrase did not leave my mind for sometime. For me, it was more than an ad campaign, a corporate slogan. Conceptualized through some sort of social marketing approach, "Fly Emirates" seemed to have gone beyond bringing attention to the product or the firm, but it also aimed at bringing in followerse to the country itself that it represents, an aid to their tourism industry.

What a form of nationalism, it soars! How I wish I could also do the same, in one form or another, for the Philippines. When private enterprises mix corporate goals with nationalistic visions, what more could you ask for?

***

Also, seeing "Fly Emirates" in a sporting event, I couldn't help but think of a similar "shout out" in the local sports scene: UP Fight! This shout out has been the cry of UP athletes throughtout the ages as they compete against the best "warriors", the cream of the crop, of other schools. But sadly, and this is just my personal opinion, "UP Fight" is a far cry from "Fly Emirates" - the latter being more powerful, more ambitious, more at work. Philosophically speaking, why not change "UP Fight" to "UP WIN"? I wonder: Does this speak about the collective psyche that UP students (at least) have towards setting standards?

Let's face it. If we could set a standard for ourselves, why not set the highest standards? If you could ask God to help us pass a certification exam, why not ask that we pass with flying colors (that is, with excellence)? If we join a sports event, why settle for simple "for goodwill's sake" type of participation? Why not let go of the cliche "for camaraderie and friendship", and instead "go for the gold" (not silver) with all our might every time?

Ophrah said in a speech she delivered in a prestigious US university that we should set the highest vision (or if I may say, standards) for ourselves, for we become those visions.

If I may add to that, I dare say that we set the mark, and hit it!

Like what Alex Santos says in TV Patrol Weekend: Pilipinas, umasenso ka!

Not A Writer

Writing got me to places.
This is one statement I remember from my high school journalism teacher and school paper adviser Mrs. Alma Rufila.
She always bragged that her writing skills and good command of the English language had given her the priviledge to travel across the country and to enjoy promotions at work.


May pera naman talaga sa pagsusulat.
Browsing through Jobstreet, I was amazed to find out that there was significant demand for writers today. You can earn at least 10K a month working at home by simply providing contents to websites. Also, Copy and Technical Writers' basic pay is now ranging from 15 K to 20 K a month. A very lucrative profession indeed!

Perhaps this is the same reason why my brother, on several occasions, submitted my resumes -and without my knowledge and consent - to government and non-government companies. He was really hoping I could nail the writer, or content provider, or corporate communication officer post in those companies. He was even pushing me to be aggressive with my application. He really believed there is future in writing. And moreso, he believes I have the skill and talent called writing. "Rat ka di ba?" he teases me often. He was referring to Chinese zodiac where people born in the year of the rat are often characterized as "creative" and born writers.

Unfortunately, writing does not form a part of my self-image. In fact, I dislike it. My head is often pregnant with thoughts, creative or otherwise, but I simply could not give birth to them as written works. They get aborted everytime I attempt simply because I don't have a knack for words. I have the idea, but halfway through translating them into something readable, I suddenly lose the interest (or sometimes, the original concept itself!).


In high school, Mrs. Rufila often reprimanded me for my terrible word usage and poor vocabulary. That even increased my reluctance to write. Ok, I eventually got the 'writer of the year' award during the commencement exercise after learning, albeit painfully, the principles of writing in order to "express and not to impress", and of reading and reading in order to expand one's vocabulary. But that didn't fade away the bad memories of having written gibberish, foolish unartistic composition whose failing form and substance seem to put to shame the "editor-in-chief post" I once held in school .

I hate to call that phobia, but is it not?

Music and Verse

Hay... those ngarag days. I was rummaging through my old folders at home when I chanced upon this piece of paper. My very first production script! Wow, I still couldn't believe I survived student life at UP-CMC with those nerve-wracking productions! That's where I learned that every second counts (kasi naman de segundo ang productions namin). It only takes 3 seconds to spell the difference between passing and failing marks, or between flat one (uno) and 1.25.

Anyway, enough of restrospect. Here's the script:


Ronald Jalmasco
My Music and Verse Production
9:00 AM -9:10 AM


1 MSC: FADE IN “SANDCASTLES” SIDE 1 CUT 6 FROM REIGNE
2 BY REGINE VELASQUEZ, SUSTAIN THEN FADE UNDER FOR
3 ANNCR: We were young then, my April love
4 We thought our togetherness
5 Would never become a loneliness,
6 A broken shill under the sun
7 Memory has taken a picture
8 Of the castle I made for you
9 On that solitary beach.
10 The surge of dark and surf of light,
11 The flotsam of twigs and leaves
12 Surround my arms around the spines
13 Of sand dropped from my fingers
14 That had touched your own salty swell.
15 The least and most of what is possible
16 Of sand and sea is all we can have.
17 (Yet) the sea reclaimed our castle long ago,
18 Leaving as heritage—this islet, this poem,
19 You and I, this country yours and mine.

END OF PRODUCTION.

Water and Me

I remember when I was in college studying Broadcast Communication, the first thing our professor asked us to do in front of the cam was to introduce ourselves using a thing that would best describe us (or the personality we wanted to assume). We had to expound on the reason within a minute or two.

I remember clearly as if it was just yesterday, that I chose without second thoughts water. For one, I was drinking at least 12 glasses of water at that time (now I’m only averaging 8). Perhaps because I was exaggeratedly soaked with the idea that water is good to our health (now I know this is not always true) especially for people like me who have had history for kidney disease. It’s common knowledge that water flushes out bodily wastes and helps prevent the formation of “stones” in our excretory system. “Kaya nga huwag na kayong magtaka kung halos kakambal ko na ang isang bote ng tubig tulad nito (raising a piece of bottled water),” I remember reciting from a pre-written script.

But I guess I chose water during that interesting class exercise because I was amazed by its salient traits and wondrous properties. When asked of a similar question in another class (Radio Production and Direction), I remember uttering an answer as profound as a beauty queen’s: “Like the sea, I am deep…that’s my selling point. I could also be hot or cold- I need not to elaborate (then winks). I could be as soft and caressing like a hotspring to a woman’s skin and I could also be as hard and tough as ice if I needed to. Because water can take the form of its container, it is very flexible. And such flexibility and versatility are traits I’ve always wanted to develop. When something happens not according to plan, I could respond quickly gracefully. I think that distinguishes the wise from the foolish.”

That was almost four years ago. I wonder, if I were asked of the same question again today, would I still choose water? May be yes. But I would deliver a different piece. That is: To go against the flow – to not always bow down to what others think or expect of you. While the rivers flow downwards to form falls, the water of the world's greatest oceans still flows freely. Your mind then should also flow freely. It should not be contained. Dams control water but they still let them flow, lest dams would become gigantic depots of spoiled water (parang kanal).

Oh well. Of all things, bakit tubig pa ang napili kong topic for my first ever blog? Hay naku…may be my mind right now is just running like a stream.