Of Goals and Introspection

People who have clear well defined goals in life are, for me, like skyscrapers at the heart of the metro: Imposing and superior. Makes me feel little. I see these people as driven, determined folks, who are destined to achieve success in whatever form that they desire - faster than anyone else in the world. And I envy them.

I had logged in to my Multiply and blogspot accounts today and I realized just how insecure I am in terms of goal setting. My college classmate and friend Ariane who's now in New Zealand celebrated her 23rd birthday last March (I was able to greet her just now because I didn't have the luxury of time to visit these accounts due to tight work schedule, you know, deadlines, meetings with the bosses etc).

Ariane loves birthdays because it's the time of the year when she gets to celebrate life more! She created this to-do-list when she was younger, and now, she makes sure she gets to tick one item off the list in her every birthday. It's pretty much like acting like fairy godmother to herself by granting one wish - goal - for herself on her birthday. And on her 23rd birthday, that item was sky diving!

I was not envious of the actual sky diving experience per se because in the first place I am acrophobic and therefore I have no plans of doing it myself even given the opportunity. The fact that she has this set of goals and a beautiful strategy to achieve each of them at a particular time of the year is what makes me envious.

In the same token that I envy Reymund Chris Sarraga's friend. As what Rey wrote in his Wordpress account, that friend of his is now one step closer to becoming a doctor. He has just finished med school and we know what's next after that. The thing is: that man is just simply staying true to the dream (ie. goal) that he wrote in their high school yearbook, that of becoming a doctor. Wow!

These anecdotes sadly put me in introspection: What am I doing in my life today? What happened to the dreams, or goals, that I had set for myself when I was younger? How many of them have I actually been able to realize? Or did I ever had anything to call "goals" to begin with?

Windang. Perplexed. A wandering spirit. That's what I think of myself as of the moment. I toil, I act, I feel, but that's all that I do. I don't have direction. I don't have that driving something that gives focus and meaning to every sacrifice, every decision that I make - goals.

Benjamin Mays, a prominent American minister and educator, said: "It must be borne in mind that the tragedy of life does not lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy of life lies in having no goal to reach."

I know I had goals before. But the tragedy on my end was that I have thwarted from these goals and couldn't find my way back now.

LORD help me.