Ranting

Forget about Cory. Forget about current events. Forget about my colleagues and officemates and college classmates. I want to focus on myself NOW. Di bale nang masabihang self-centered.

Yes, I'm finally back in this little corner of "me". And as if to welcome myself back with a full band, let me write "I HATE THEEEEM!" Yes i wanna scream! I want to kick people's asses if I could. I want to be bad for once in my life. And this is the reason I'm instantly blogging once again.

Aba, kokontakin ka lang pag may problema?! Ganito ang mga kamag-anak namin. If everything goes well to them, ni ho ni ha wala kang maririnig. Tapos kahapon lang tatawag para sabihing magpadala ng pera si Tatay sa probinsiya dahil na stroke ang asawa ng kapatid niya. My uncle really has a gift - to involve other people in his misery. Siya itong hiningan ng tulong ipapasa sa amin ang burden.

Ok. Christianity has taught me to be generous in order to be blessed even more. But I just couldn't help but rant (or more than rant actually) because when Nanay and Papa were in the hospital, they didn't even extend any form of help upon us. They didn't even visit them in the hospital. We have been on our own since me and my siblings were kids. My parents never asked for our relatives help as much as possible - since we received little or no help at all from them anyway.

Tapos ngayon....Grrrrr!

I'll get over this. In the meantime, I need breathing space. Thank heavens there's blog.

Farewell to a Friend

Today, I have to live to the reality that one of my closest friends in BayanTrade would be leaving soon. I expect resignations to happen from time to time. Pero iba pala talaga when that person personally tells you that he or she is leaving.

Yes, I have attachments to personal things and places and people that are close to my heart. Makikipag-away ako para sa kapatid o kaibigan, kahit hindi naman ako ang inaaway. I am willing to do something to that effect, crazy things I must say. But I am willing to do that perhaps because I care for loved ones and friends and I am protective of them.

That's why farewells are hard for me. I dread the day when I would no longer see that person as frequent as I could, as in before. That I would have to do things and live each day differently, because that person with whom I used to do these things and that make up part of my every day would no longer be around. It's as if an important element of my constellation would be absorbed by another galaxy. And the only communication to bridge the gap would be mediated, something like Plurk, or YM, or Facebook. I'm sad. I want to cry.

Is it a crime to ask myself: Ilan kaya sa kanila ang susunod in the coming months? I should hold my tears more!

My only consolation is: That's the way it is. And if my time comes when I too would be saying "goodbye", someone's gonna feel the same way for me.

Goodbye Taga-bukid. See you in Davao.

And please, keep us updated through your blog.

Ang Tunay Na Lalaki

There's a funny and yes, interesting blog that's been getting some following lately among Filipino youth and yuppies. It's called "Hay Men! Ang Tunay Na Lalaki". What's appealing or, to be more accurate, entertaining about the blog is that, like a freedom wall, it serves like a running commentary on people, icons, places, objects, activities etc that in a way have been familiar to ordinary Filipino folks, that have been part of popular culture, classifying them as "tunay na lalaki" (real manly), "di tunay na lalaki" (not manly), or "under consideration". Is robocop "tunay na lalaki"? How about Voltron? Or UP's oblation? Or George Estregan perhaps? It keeps the audience laughing by telling the latter how it classifies these. In a way, it also guides the audience as to the criteria it used for classification with its well composed "Ang Manifesto ng Tunay Na Lalaki", posted prominently on the lower right of the page.

Indeed, this blog has become a hit that its slowly growing followers have reached even my own workplace. Some of my colleagues have in fact adapted the expression "tunay na lalaki" in their everyday joke time language.

The site has personally brought out some chuckles in me. But while it is entertaining, it also makes me question its measure of true masculinity. The site explicitly tells audiences whether someone or something is of manly character or not. And with this, I couldn't help but think whether real manhood should be dictated by society, by outside pressure, or whether it should be "decided" from within. I say "decided" because I believe one's gender is a matter of decision. Is it not? Even if you were born a male or a female, isn't it that how you live your being a male or a female spells the difference? You have control as to how to live out your sexuality.

Furthermore, "Ang Tunay Na Lalaki" has time and again reminded me of how difficult it is to be a man. Society has expectations of you. You gotta be this, you gotta be that. And if you don't have a solid foundation of yourself, of who you really are or at least the person you want to be, you will be drowned by the waves of a gamut of pressures that dicate what is a man and how to be a man. Sadly, these pressures eventually find their way to become "norms". And norms are not necessarily moral, legal or ethical. For example, why is it alright for a man to be "not virgin" before marriage? Why is it "ok" for a man to entertain and welcome a woman's amorous advances? When the blog "Ang Tunay Na Lalaki" says real men smoke and drink and don't go to church, why do many seem to give it a nod?

My head and heart ache meditating mulling about these thoughts.

It is hard to be a man nowadays, I know. But to be a REAL man is harder because it is not defined by public opinion. It is not based on public norms. It lives within you and only TIME and TOUGH times can make it come out.

Fortunately, there is real man-ness in everyone.

Of Goals and Introspection

People who have clear well defined goals in life are, for me, like skyscrapers at the heart of the metro: Imposing and superior. Makes me feel little. I see these people as driven, determined folks, who are destined to achieve success in whatever form that they desire - faster than anyone else in the world. And I envy them.

I had logged in to my Multiply and blogspot accounts today and I realized just how insecure I am in terms of goal setting. My college classmate and friend Ariane who's now in New Zealand celebrated her 23rd birthday last March (I was able to greet her just now because I didn't have the luxury of time to visit these accounts due to tight work schedule, you know, deadlines, meetings with the bosses etc).

Ariane loves birthdays because it's the time of the year when she gets to celebrate life more! She created this to-do-list when she was younger, and now, she makes sure she gets to tick one item off the list in her every birthday. It's pretty much like acting like fairy godmother to herself by granting one wish - goal - for herself on her birthday. And on her 23rd birthday, that item was sky diving!

I was not envious of the actual sky diving experience per se because in the first place I am acrophobic and therefore I have no plans of doing it myself even given the opportunity. The fact that she has this set of goals and a beautiful strategy to achieve each of them at a particular time of the year is what makes me envious.

In the same token that I envy Reymund Chris Sarraga's friend. As what Rey wrote in his Wordpress account, that friend of his is now one step closer to becoming a doctor. He has just finished med school and we know what's next after that. The thing is: that man is just simply staying true to the dream (ie. goal) that he wrote in their high school yearbook, that of becoming a doctor. Wow!

These anecdotes sadly put me in introspection: What am I doing in my life today? What happened to the dreams, or goals, that I had set for myself when I was younger? How many of them have I actually been able to realize? Or did I ever had anything to call "goals" to begin with?

Windang. Perplexed. A wandering spirit. That's what I think of myself as of the moment. I toil, I act, I feel, but that's all that I do. I don't have direction. I don't have that driving something that gives focus and meaning to every sacrifice, every decision that I make - goals.

Benjamin Mays, a prominent American minister and educator, said: "It must be borne in mind that the tragedy of life does not lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy of life lies in having no goal to reach."

I know I had goals before. But the tragedy on my end was that I have thwarted from these goals and couldn't find my way back now.

LORD help me.

He's gone

I got home and he's no longer there. I miss his usual greeting which, because it was so sincere, it used to take away my stress (at least a portion thereof). I miss his gentle face, so cute I always wanted to pat and baby him.

Yes, our doggie is gone. He died last Wednesday, February 25th, EDSA day. I was not able to blog about him right away because I was still hoping it was just a dream. But he's really gone. And I miss him.

Although a mongrel, Tiger did not fail to leave a lasting memory with us. So many in fact that I would probably create separate blog entries just to recount them. For now, we will just be contented recalling those memories, those moments, one by one. And that is enough to make us smile despite the mourning.

Tiger was 13 years old (91 in human years) when he passed away. He was poisoned by the shampoo my dad had used to bathe him. It was unusual as he was bathed with stronger shampoos before without causing any harm at all. It was just probably because he was really too old already his immune system got really weak.

A few hours before his body gave up, he unusually kept on walking staggeringly around our garage, as if fighting the disease that had struck him. By around 11 P.M. he collapsed. My sister said he was barking and barking and was trying to rise up. He was fighting for his breath, his life. My whole family (except me who was already asleep by that time) was around him when this was happening. And Tiger probably was fighting for us - to continue to be with us because he knew we love him. But it's really his time to rest. And all my family could do is to pat him and say "Tiger tama na...magpahinga ka na."

13 years...It's amazing Tiger has lived that long, in fact long enough to even outlive his contemporaries: his foes, his friends, even his lovers. I surely miss him and his memories will linger on.

He is not dead. His memories are secured in our hearts. I couldn't help but recall tuloy one line in ABS-CBN's "May Bukas Pa" : A person (a pet in this case) is not dead as long as s/he remains in our hearts.

Self-Talk

Hi Ron,

I know you're pressured and stressed right now. Rey's leaving and you only have a week to learn from him. But you know Rey. Like what he said, he won't spoon feed you. Unfortunately, that's the very thing you need at this time. What do you know about sales anyway? But he won't. He doesn't have the patience to do it. Aminado siya rito. And you don't expect him to do that, do you? What for? You're not even his closest of friends. He doesn't have enough motivation to put some more effort into training you. The turn over is still not done. The data and knowledge he shared so far are not to the level you've expected since the day you were told you'd be his replacement.

So you're lost. And worried. And exhausted. Plus, the mathematics involved. Oh my! It's not your field of interst, you know that. The mere sight of numbers make your eyes bleed. But you got to befriend them (numbers). Learn from them. Analyze them. You have no choice as these are part of the demands of your new responsibility. Sir Jojo and Boss Tony trust you. Your colleagues count on you to ensure they will get salary for the month.

So you're lost, stressed, pressured, harassed, exhausted. But you know what to do to compensate for your weakness right? You have to rise above your situation - to overcome the challenge being a salesman, an effective salesman, poses to you. Let me see your to-do list. Ahh.. at least, you've got some of the most important right:

(1) prioritize tasks (2) manage time and (3) be more organized

So help me God!

Money

The Bible says : "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also" (Matthew 6:21). Now it makes more sense why I was so concentrated with my studies way back in college. I couldn't afford to fail any course or even get a grade of less than 2.0, lest I would lose my scholarship, which is all I got to finish college. That's why I gave it my all. Now it makes more sense why I am trying to hit the gym at least three times a day right now, even that means waking up as early as 4:30 in the morning. I am paying for it after all, I have to make the most out of it. As they say, kailangang sulitin ang ibinabayad. That in itself is enough motivation for me. The pastor at Victory capped it up right: The above verse gives the whole experience meaning. We are where our money goes. He's right. We can either invest in temporal things like clothing or partying; or in eternal things the benefits of which last us all. I hope and pray you and I do the latter. Happy Sunday!